It's Not Even 9pm Yet and I Still Found Something To Depress Me.

What do I want from this life?
Same as everyone else, I want to be happy.
What do you want?

Relax, I'm not very good at advice so I'm not gonna do that. I'm just thinking out loud keyboard.

I've said it. I want to be happy. This fake it 'til you make it crap is bullshit. I want a shot of happiness on the rocks and I WANT IT NOW.

I look around me and everyone's surface seems to be unrippled. Everything's hunky dory for them, just peachy. Maybe on the inside their tidal waves are crashing like me but their surfaces are so clean, I can't help but ask myself...how?

Why?

Don't listen to me kids. Don't study other people then compare yourself to them and proceed to whine about it on your shitty blog. It's only gonna get worse.
It only gets worse.
(God Mel, when did you start writing all this emo shit? How did you become so sad?)

On the bright side...
Atleast I'm breathing.
And I have a best friend whose life is so perfect right now I can only stick around and hope that some of the crumbs from her happiness rub off on me.

If I could. I'd make everyone around me happy. Just give them what they want.
"You want money? Err you go"
"New car? Don't worry about it."
"A baby? Merry Christmas bitches."

Then just stand and look at all these souls I've made better and hope that they don't pull a Gatsby on me.
See, my fucked up logic is that if everyone I know...even the lady who checks my bag at school...if all of them had just that one more thing to look forward to each day; something that would make their lives just that one megawatt more luminous. Then it'll reflect off me, right?
It'll bounce off me and I'll be happy like them.

I'll be happy.

I'll be happy.

I'll be...

Fuck.

Saturday Late Night Musings and Beat Downs OR Why-can't-I-just-go-out-&-get-drunk-like-other-normal-people?

It’s really easy to write stuff when I’m in this state of mind. On the border of sad and lonely, maybe just a tiny little hungry nation on the side.

I was thinking (you will come to realize that that’s something I do a lot) and I thought “What is it that makes life good? Like, really fucking grand.

If I had a myriad of friends and went to all the coolest parties, would my life be good?

If I had money to buy all the newest and techiest gizmos and gadgets, then would my life be good?

If I had an extremely banging body? (Note to self: Work out you lazy fucktard)

If I had a fancy English clip? Or something exotic like Palauan?

            I actually took that one myself, not to shabby Mel, not too shabby.

…

If I had someone who loved me. All of me, as a whole; not just singular body parts and instead of wanting to do things to me, wanted to do things with me?

Then would I be happy?

And you know there’s that voice in your head that’s like, “Dude, if it makes you feel crappy then just get rid of it or change it.” If only it were that easy, child. If only.

Remember that Nick Hornby book where the main character kept making lists the same way other people had opinions? I thought (again, I do that a lot) “That’s a great fucking idea” I can make lists of things I want, things I don’t want, things I like, things I hate and so forth then it would be easy to know what to add, subtract and change in my life. Easy A.

But listen, read child! It’s not that simple. I look at list and list looks back at me, both of us going, “Now what? Stick it on my bedroom wall? Post it on my blog that might as well be on private settings? Now what? You fucking twat.”

You can’t really do anything about it because most of your problems are either really metaphysical or highly dialectic.

-For my fellow simple people, it means my non-absorbable by tissue issues either come from within or outside forces. I love you simple people!xx-

And I sound like the shallowest Shally Shallowa McShallow from Shallovale everytime I try to speak of them out loud. Heck, sometimes I don’t even know what the fuck my problem is…like now.

So I’m gonna stop here because I think (Stop thinking!)  I’m gonna stop making sense if I go on, if I haven’t done (or not done) that already.

I need a spliff.