All in my feelings.

I feel like a total fuck up.

I also feel like this has been the subject line of one too many posts on this blog. Because its true, I fuck up a lot. Even when I'm not aware of it, I do.
Even when I haven't, if feels like I have or I'm about to.

I fuck up retrospectively; the real weight of my fuck ups do not hit me until a few years have passed reluctantly and it dawns on me that that thing I did or that decision I made a few years ago was a GIANT FUCKING MISTAKE I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT...

...but of course, it's too late by then.

I've been all up in my feelings lately and Drake usually says that like it's a good thing, and I guess it is. I just have to ride the tidal wave of suck until the end, whenever that might be, and hope I can make it to the end without wiping out.

God, this sucks. I feel like everyone hates me and I know that's crazy, why would anyone hate me? I haven't done anything to anyone.


I know it's just my mind talking dumb shit but thoughts like that are unthinkable. I start thinking, "I'm annoying, I'm an annoying twat who annoys everyone I've ever crossed paths with. I take up too much space, I breathe their air and now they hate me because I'm just an unlovable, annoying twat."

And once I've started going down this spiral of self-loathing and self-pity, it's hard to turn back. Unthinkable thoughts.

I've been through this enough times to know that right now, I just need to be nice to me and give myself some TLC. Don't rush it, just ride the wave and feel all the things it wants me to feel because I'll never get out of it until I feel those things in all their misery and glory.

Self love is hard, man. But I'm gonna need it if I'm gonna ride this wave.