Bella: Angus & Julia Stone

It's really weird when I had to get to the 'g' in Angus for the Youtube suggestions to stop showing "Bella Swan" "Bella & Edward" and finally start showing Angus & Julia Stone.
Really Youtube? SHAME ON YOU.

This song is perfect. I'm scared if I say anything else, I'll tarnish it but I'll try anyway. (Forgive me.)

This song is so simple and so beautiful.
I've listened to it about 5 times now, each time crying harder than the last which if you ask me, is just self- torture but I didn't notice because that's what Angus & Julia Stone do.
They made me emotionally torture myself without even realizing it because I was lost in the sheer perfection of this beautiful & simple song.

(I also found this really cute fan made animation -not the full song- which was dedicated to a late Bonnie Howden who must have been an amazing person to have this amazing song dedicated to her.)

Rest in Peace, Bonnie.

Tomorrow. I am legally changing my name to Daisy, dyeing my hair golden & wearing a pretty skirt.

You know where to find me.

Because Life Begins at 50

Today, Kenya celebrates 50 years of independence. Emancipation from the man and all that hullabaloo.

And there's all this pomp and glory which frankly, I don't see the point of.
I mean, what's happened in the last 50 years?

• A tyrannical freedom fighter. An narcissistic & oppressive land grabber. A man who almost started a genocide. An alleged ICC criminal. 

• Unexplained assassinations of politicians. 

• Draconian statutes trying to gag the media.

• Politicians less concerned about the development of their constituencies and counties and more concerned about the development of their off shore bank accounts.

• Poor government response to crisis.

• People coming home from work to find their houses demolished without notice or compensation.

• Rapists sentenced to cut grass.

Sorry, I didn't mean this to turn into an anti-leadership rally. People just want a reason to make merry and they should be able to without fret. Don't let my thoughts ruin your Kenya at 50 celebrations.

I think the only thing worth celebrating is the men and women of this beautiful nation who have trudged through one misery and misfortune after another and have been at the nadirest nadir you could ever nadir but can still stand tall, hold their heads high and proudly say, "I am Kenyan."
Because despite all these bad leadership decisions, the ground you plant your feet on stays the same and so does the fact that Kenya is where your heart is.

So New Years Resolution for 2014, let's make the next 50 years something really worth celebrating and Google doodles.

SBTRKT: Trials of the Past

If you are in any way squeamish at the sight of blood or vivid colours, then I'd advise you not to watch this video. Which is a crying shame because it's an amazing video.

I found out today that SBTRKT was a stylization of Subtract. I've always pronounced it the way I read it. Yes, with no vowels.

This song alone is so majestic and the video reminds me of the stop motion pictures that I loved so much in my childhood & Sweeney Todd which makes my skin crawl and at the same time, makes me want to watch it again while eating Strawnilla icecream from a glass bowl.

Bon appetit.

December 4th 2013: A Letter

Dear friend,
                 
                 Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

You hope that it would mean a fresh start; an easy tap on the refresh button but you & I both know that it's not that easy, erasing the past like that.

It's the past, fused & moulded into me, that makes me who I am right now...today.

Sure you have your doubts, fears, uncertainties & woes...we all do. It's what makes us human, to know that everyone you see is just as scared as you.

Including me.


So take heart, amigo. It's you & me against this big bad wolf of a world & if we're planning on moving forward, we might as well start this journey now.

Relax. I'll be with you each step of the way. You can trust me.

                                                                                    -Me.

Oatmeal Presents with Sarah Donner: The Motherfucking Pterodactyl

More people need to have this stuck in their heads.

Nice Guys Finish First. Sometimes Second. Sometimes They Forfeit.

So having a best friend and no boyfriend right now is directing all my love & attention towards my best friend (Who BETTER be reciprocating, biatch)
And I can't help but groan over how splendidly well her life is going right now & how mine's just <<insert rocket malfunctioning noises>>

So I wanted to write something tonight & I figured I'd stir up a little fictional non-fiction (You go oxymoron!) and talk about her...errmm...dilemma.

She's started getting kinda close to a certain person who's just, well....nice. 
But that's the problem,

He's nice. Has a rather lovely personality.


So guys like this are to be treasured & friend-zoned so that you never lose them; at least that's what I thought, right?
WRONG!

She"s been getting really close to him of late...really close. And is now stuck between 3 options;

1.) Friend zone him. Shut down any advances he makes so that he knows that the only base he's getting to is the nail polish kind. This way, he'll be your friend forever & ever & ever & ever & ever...
 (Really? Can't this be the only option?)

2.) Don't friend zone him. Be the perfect combo of sweet & sexy that inevitably leads to a relationship. Which, unless you get married & live happily ever after, will end sooner or later. Either very dramatically or very placidly. 

3.) Tap. That mother. Out.
In simpler terms: Ride this boy like a bronco & leave it at that. Benefitting friends. No mushy stuff. Purely physical. At least if the passion dies there, it'll be slightly less awkward & you can kind of go back to the way things were before once you get past all the "I saw you naked" weirdness.

All my arrows are pointing at no. #1 but it's not my decision. It's hers.

ION: I need some loving but until it comes to me, I shall divide my love equally between Snowie, Neil Gaiman & Blueberry tea. (Maybe just a bit more for Snowie, he's sensitive.)

Copyrights Belong to Lulu of Montparnasse

On the rue de la Huchette stands a hotel called Sadness,
The rooms are small & dark and the people stay inside them all day to hide from the sun.

The owner beats his wife everyday and then goes to the next room to make love to a girl who likes men and money and cherries but can't hold on to anything in her life.

While the owner makes love to her, the girl can hear his wife crying through the wall.
She moans louder to block out the sound.
The wife hears the girl's moans of pleasure and this makes her cry all the more.


It is a very loud night in the hotel called Sadness.

Love & Other Side Notes.

I'd also like someone to love because I have all this love inside of me that wants to break from its dusty, cobwebbed mold and just express itself the only way it knows how.

Sure, you're thinking- If all you need is someone to love, why don't you just...well...find someone to love?

It's not that simple, compadres. I don't control the love. It controls itself. Or there's some gland in the front lobe of my brain somewhere that controls it but until that's scientifically proven (DO IT SCIENTISTS)
It controls itself.

So when it finds that perfect way to manifest itself, it explodes and shoots out of me like a rocket and I really don't know how to deal with that...

But I try.

And all it needs is the right person and the right reason to do this.

And it's done. Houston, we are ready for take off.

Rocket launched.

It's Not Even 9pm Yet and I Still Found Something To Depress Me.

What do I want from this life?
Same as everyone else, I want to be happy.
What do you want?

Relax, I'm not very good at advice so I'm not gonna do that. I'm just thinking out loud keyboard.

I've said it. I want to be happy. This fake it 'til you make it crap is bullshit. I want a shot of happiness on the rocks and I WANT IT NOW.

I look around me and everyone's surface seems to be unrippled. Everything's hunky dory for them, just peachy. Maybe on the inside their tidal waves are crashing like me but their surfaces are so clean, I can't help but ask myself...how?

Why?

Don't listen to me kids. Don't study other people then compare yourself to them and proceed to whine about it on your shitty blog. It's only gonna get worse.
It only gets worse.
(God Mel, when did you start writing all this emo shit? How did you become so sad?)

On the bright side...
Atleast I'm breathing.
And I have a best friend whose life is so perfect right now I can only stick around and hope that some of the crumbs from her happiness rub off on me.

If I could. I'd make everyone around me happy. Just give them what they want.
"You want money? Err you go"
"New car? Don't worry about it."
"A baby? Merry Christmas bitches."

Then just stand and look at all these souls I've made better and hope that they don't pull a Gatsby on me.
See, my fucked up logic is that if everyone I know...even the lady who checks my bag at school...if all of them had just that one more thing to look forward to each day; something that would make their lives just that one megawatt more luminous. Then it'll reflect off me, right?
It'll bounce off me and I'll be happy like them.

I'll be happy.

I'll be happy.

I'll be...

Fuck.

Old Poetry. December 2012...I think. (Inspired by Sanctuary by Alex Clare)

I will find sanctuary in your arms,

Even if they’re weak,

Even if they’re broken,

They will save me from a dream unspoken,

Not my nightmare,

No.

Leave me there.

They’re much closer to reality than I would ever know.

Create a shield between us and the rest,

Make me feel like I need not look in the shadows,

To find happiness,

To find acceptance,

Long dragged from the past,

Now worn and raggedy.

No sir, just hold me in your arms.

I shall find sanctuary on my own,

With the bruised and forlorn.

They would know.

I will find sanctuary.

In all I need to be,

All I want to be.

No. 

All I am.

Yes sir, I will find sanctuary.

So keep me in your arms,

Keep me safe from harm.

And I will find sanctuary.

Saturday Late Night Musings and Beat Downs OR Why-can't-I-just-go-out-&-get-drunk-like-other-normal-people?

It’s really easy to write stuff when I’m in this state of mind. On the border of sad and lonely, maybe just a tiny little hungry nation on the side.

I was thinking (you will come to realize that that’s something I do a lot) and I thought “What is it that makes life good? Like, really fucking grand.

If I had a myriad of friends and went to all the coolest parties, would my life be good?

If I had money to buy all the newest and techiest gizmos and gadgets, then would my life be good?

If I had an extremely banging body? (Note to self: Work out you lazy fucktard)

If I had a fancy English clip? Or something exotic like Palauan?

            I actually took that one myself, not to shabby Mel, not too shabby.

…

If I had someone who loved me. All of me, as a whole; not just singular body parts and instead of wanting to do things to me, wanted to do things with me?

Then would I be happy?

And you know there’s that voice in your head that’s like, “Dude, if it makes you feel crappy then just get rid of it or change it.” If only it were that easy, child. If only.

Remember that Nick Hornby book where the main character kept making lists the same way other people had opinions? I thought (again, I do that a lot) “That’s a great fucking idea” I can make lists of things I want, things I don’t want, things I like, things I hate and so forth then it would be easy to know what to add, subtract and change in my life. Easy A.

But listen, read child! It’s not that simple. I look at list and list looks back at me, both of us going, “Now what? Stick it on my bedroom wall? Post it on my blog that might as well be on private settings? Now what? You fucking twat.”

You can’t really do anything about it because most of your problems are either really metaphysical or highly dialectic.

-For my fellow simple people, it means my non-absorbable by tissue issues either come from within or outside forces. I love you simple people!xx-

And I sound like the shallowest Shally Shallowa McShallow from Shallovale everytime I try to speak of them out loud. Heck, sometimes I don’t even know what the fuck my problem is…like now.

So I’m gonna stop here because I think (Stop thinking!)  I’m gonna stop making sense if I go on, if I haven’t done (or not done) that already.

I need a spliff.

REASONS WHY (DESPITE HOW MUCH MY BRAIN KEEPS KICKING MY HEART IN THE ARTERIOLE FOOT) WE CAN'T GET BACK TOGETHER

.**I was thinking about this while dropping a morning constitutional**

I loved you way more than you loved me. I'd spend my days and nights loving you, I'd pray for you first before all my family and friends and that love was requited, yes, but only barely. Now, I'm used to unrequited love. My life's been a long cycle of crushes and boys who I helped get with my friends so for it to finally be returned to me, even if at half the price, well...I was over the moon until I realized what a shitty deal that was so no, we can't get back together.

You took me for granted... a lot. You knew I'd always be there for you and you stayed assured and comforted in that fact. Then one day you up and decide, "I don't love you anymore" and there I was, loving you with every morsel of my existence; every fragment of the heart that you kept breaking over and over again.

You don't want to talk about it because you don't feel like crying? I didn't feel like crying either but that didn't stop my heart from pouring out and spelling "why?" in every tear that fell from my eyes and onto my pillow. I tried to be cool about it like you for you but I was disintegrating on the inside, I was void and I was numb and I didn't know what to do.

So no, we can't get back together.

Side note: This was such a good read.

I'm never going to move on with my life if whenever you feel like hitting replay, I'm the first one there.

I need to experience things, I need to taste life, I want to be with other people and I'm not going to let you keep recycling me like an old magazine.

I always thought we were soul mates but I was so blinded by the illusion of love that I didn't take the time to consider that you most probably were not. If that's how finding a soul mate felt like then it was probably created by Satan to spite all those hapless lovers out there.

(I smiled at that one)

You are definitely not my soul mate and no, we can't get back together.

Good morning. 

With love, Fire Monster.

It’s an emotional tidal wave that I’m drowning under.

The second I get above the water, I become thirsty again,

But when I try to drink,

I drown.

What’s wrong with me?

What’s wrong with everyone?

Why can’t it all be balanced?

Why can’t I be happy? And you be happy?

Why does one person have to suffer for the happiness of another?

Can’t they both be happy?

It’s not fair.

But then again, nothing ever is, is it?

Child picks flower and it makes child sad to see it die after a while.

Foolish child, you shouldn't have picked it in the first place.

That’s all we are… 

Foolish children.

...<sigh>

I mean, you can’t say you didn't have it coming.

Did you?

Did you have it coming?

Did I?

Did I dig my own grave?

Only to put someone else in it?

Or is there room for the both of us under that pathetic mound of dirt?

Maybe we’ll be happy.

Maybe we won’t.

No one knows, I know I don’t.

And I fear I never shall.

So instead of sad & cold & long nights,

Pretending those drops on your face are water, carried to defeat the fire monster,

So that the village will be safe,

And they’ll love you,

Instead of dark & cold eyes with a hatred that only wishes it could pierce skin so it can penetrate deeper into my soul,

Let that fire dragon out.

But don’t try to kill it.

Be nice to it.

Care for it.

Love it.

Let it love you back.

And watch that hot angry fire turn into a gentle warmth.

That’ll keep you warm on those sad & cold & long nights.

Keep me warm.

To What Just Might Be The Most Depressing First Blog Ever...This Was A Dark Place

I’d like to take this time and space to apologize to all those people out there in the world whom at one point felt a sadness so  deep & profound only to be termed as exaggerated by others, I was one of the others.

You don’t know emotional pain until you know sadness, and sadness can come in all forms: Grief over the loss of a loved one, your first heartbreak, even a recurring mental condition.

What connects us all is that wrenching pain you feel from within, it binds our tears and although we may feel alone in the world at that moment. We’re together.

We’re alone, together.

And it’s gonna hurt for days. You will question every fragment of your existence and all the events in your life at that point will cease to be important, or worth it.

It will consume you until at the end of it all, you will be sadness, sadness will be you. You won’t know the difference anymore.

And you fear you never will.